Most Memorable Sex Scenes

In this entry I'm playing to the crowd, because my sister Teen (the only confirmed Headless Barbie reader) likes bulleted lists. Also I think she'll find the topic more exciting than usual. So here it is, my list of the most memorable TV and movie sex scenes:

• Funniest Sex Scene: Network (1976).

Faye Dunaway is extremely chatty. Earlier in the movie she tells someone what a bad lover she is, and after this scene you believe it. She talks all the way to his place, she talks while they get undressed, she talks while on top of him, she finishes 0.002 seconds into it and keeps right on talking! About TV journalism! That's not even remotely hot! Joe thought her mouth could've been occupied in much better ways.

• Most Awkward Sex Scene for Viewer, i.e. Me: The Last Emperor (1987).

In 1987 I was about 11 and somehow wound up watching this with my parents. Yeah I know, tell me about it. So the Chinese emperor dude is kinky, right? So he's in bed with two or three giggling Chinese women. And I'm thinking, "Can you do that? But, but, there's more than one! Why aren't Mom and Dad making their disapproving comments? Why are they just sitting there watching? Shouldn't they cover my eyes or something? This is so weird!" I never forgot that intense awkwardness.

• Most Awkward Sex Scene for Characters: The L Word, "Last Dance" (2006)

Okay, this happens to be a good series on Showtime, and watching it does not make you gay. Well, the studies are inconclusive at least. It's a sort of Sex and the City but with all women. Which is, you know, not that radical a change...fine, yes it is. Anyway, in this episode everyone reminisces about Dana who has (spoiler alert) just died, and Jenny says, "We once fooled around." They cut to the most uncomfortable quasi-sex scene of all time. I mean it's full of fumbling, apologizing, accidental head butting, just everything you don't want to happen. It is physically painful to watch. Finally they realize they've put us through enough: Dana and Jenny decide to hell with it, they'll just dance instead. What a relief. It was the type of scene where you alternate between laughing and cringing.

• Grossest Sex Scene: Married To It (1991)

So you're making a movie, and the cast includes Cybill Shepherd, Robert Sean Leonard, Mary Stuart Masterson, Stockard Channing and Beau Bridges. These people make up various couples, right? Now, when you go to write a love scene, which couple would movie audiences most like to watch? Let me give you a hint: it's not Beau Bridges and Stockard Channing. No. No, no, no. Especially not since they're the hippie parents of the ensemble. Who wants to watch parents go at it? Eeew! Especially when their kids are knocking on the bedroom door! And they're like, "Just a minute" while banging away? Oh God, I'm retraumatizing myself!

• Most Disturbing Sex Scenes: Cape Fear (1991) and Absolute Power (1997).

These two tie for the most disturbing, only because I've never seen a John Waters movie. Any movie of his would be an instant winner in this category. That man is sick. Two words: dying chicken. That's all I have to say. Sick, sick man. Anywho, I thought maybe these two shouldn't be on the list because they kind of go from consenting sex to nonconsenting violence. In Cape Fear, Ileana Douglas goes home with Robert De Niro, thinking she'll have a good time. She finds out otherwise. He does a Jeckyll-and-Hyde routine right when they're literally in bed. She winds up in the hospital, which is still better off than the woman in Absolute Power, who ends up dead when the sex gets too rough, and she tries to defend herself.

Ugh, how did I start out writing fluff and wind up here? Quick, happy bunny thoughts!

PS. Teen, I know this entry is too long for your taste. But come on! One request at a time!